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The sooner you fall behind the more time you´ll have to catch up.
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I feel like grabbing some random kid and screaming "I`m YOU from the future!"
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.