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Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
If you`re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Like a good neighbor,I don`t really care.
I am a gentleman, based on the clubs I go to.