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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks I should skip work tomorrow.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
My package finally came today. this is awesome....it means I have bubble wrap to play with
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.