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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
"There`s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars" -Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.
The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.