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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
People say laughter is the best medicine, but Iād like to think a beer is the way to go.
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.