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Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute.
I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
lifes a laugh, start living it!
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.
Tell a therapist, Not Facebook.