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Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl`s stomach full for 9 months.
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
Iām just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone