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That awkward moment when You accidentally hit the LIKE button During Facebook stalking.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don`t know whose side I`m on.
I like the part of the day when food happens.
"It`s not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
I`ll never fall in love untill and unless love falls on me!
i dont have drain bramage.