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Why I don’t like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
I`m never free but I`m available.
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....