Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to "unstable".
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.