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No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
Lazy Fact #69302246777573 - You were too lazy to read that number.
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.