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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake it then you`ve got it made!
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.