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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I am creating the first ever "flavored windows". They should make some of you very happy.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don`t have long.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
If someone says "I`m a sub-par golfer" does that mean they`re good at golf, or bad?
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
A court date is still technically a date, right?
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.