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Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I hope you all have a prosperous New Year ... I may have to borrow money.
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
3 Things you need to know: Yes I Have. Yes I Can. Yes I will.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Life is like a teenager`s p@nis. some are short, some are long, but it is always hard.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.