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Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
Would you be a deer and run out in front of my car for me?
What if all this time it`s been Chicken that taste like Frog legs????
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
I wish bedtime was all the time.
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life