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I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
50% of people believe s@x is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are guys
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
May all of us be as good looking/ beautiful as we look on our FB profile pic..
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.