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I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
If you don`t like me now, you won`t like me later because I just get worse.
What’s the answer to this question?
Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I`m behind you 100%
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.