Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
My internet goes out more than I do.
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
Still waiting for the moment when there will be a "add to wishlist" button on people`s facebook profile !!
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!