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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, "How could you do this to me" and then runs off crying?
Cubic Zirconium`s slogan should be: Guys can fake it too!
Reverse Psychology: DO not STALK MY FB PAGE. YOU ARE not OBSESSED WITH ME...
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.