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You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
“Hangover” makes it sounds like it’s all done now. I’d like to propose the term “hanghappening”.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
If Trump wins I`m leaving the country. If Hillary wins I`m leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
Weekends r like d salary.. It takes a lot to get thr, & whn it finally does, it`s over in no time ;) - aa
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!