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Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
Would you be a deer and run out in front of my car for me?
make little things count. teach midgets math.
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
Iwent to Office Max to buy a drawing board, but they were sold out. I guess it`s back to the....oh rats...
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords