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I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
Why Couldn`t Snoop Dogg & Dr.Dre Get On The Bus ... Because They Forgot 50 Cent
This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.