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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."