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If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
I don`t know about you, but I`ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
I need a new bad decision.