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I`m not bothered if someone likes me or Not. Even Angels are hated by Demons.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s…That’s because she changes it more often.
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I`ve never heard of.
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.