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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
I plan on leaving all my money to the campaign against illiteracy. ...They can`t read this right? lol
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...