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I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
If you don`t like me now, you won`t like me later because I just get worse.
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza…
My butt decided to go big instead of go home.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.