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If my smartphone was so smart, then why it can`t do my math homework
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
hell yeah !!!! i was the lucky sperm !!!!!
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.