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Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
¦It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.