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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".
I googled "cigarette lighter" and got 150000 matches.
I can`t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment