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I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
Tis the season to throw your diet out the window.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.