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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
I would like to be a Disney Princess...You know, where I have random animals showing up to help with the housework!
likes beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate major events such as the my birthday or the fact that that it`s Monday.
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.