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I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I`m thinking taco cart...
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.