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I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you`re pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
New documentary movie about white trash .... I only saw the trailer ....