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My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
This is supposed to be funny but I got nothing but do me a favour and like this...Yeah, okay, IM DESPERATE -.-
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?