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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I`m not a good liar.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.