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Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
I don`t eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I`ll have to $hit more at work.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
Hell hath no fury like a hungry me.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.