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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
What happens on online stays online, forever and ever.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
I hope to get to the point in my life where Iām not excited about finding change on the ground.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.