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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
i love you with all my butt. i would say heart but my butt is bigger :)
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
Actually told a girl who`s moving to France soon that "there`s lots of French people over there". It`s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.