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Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
Click Like, if you hate being told what to do.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
I`m hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
I love Alfredo sauce ... Unless you`re a dude named Alfredo.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
I`ll CUT you...!!!!!!!!...... A slice of pizza, cause I`m a sharer:)
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.
I wish karma would send me email notifications.