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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
What if all this time it`s been Chicken that taste like Frog legs????
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.