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I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
If this world got any smaller I`d probably fall off - George T. Ignace
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
My misery likes tequila, not company.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.