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I don`t hate anyone. I just don`t like people.
Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."