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I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
I’m working on my resume. Should I use the term “mad skillz” or would “mad skills” be more formal?
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
“FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.