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It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
"You`re better than that" is almost never true
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
I thought about cleaning my room this weekend but didn`t do it. Then I remembered its the thought that counts so I feel better now
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.