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never be afraid to wipe twice
I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me ... I live in a city.
I`m awesome...just ask me...!!!!
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
Forget Klondike, you should see what I`d do for an open bar.