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My nose is "running", that`s all the exercise I can handle for one day.......
If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
My internet went down for about 5 minutes earlier....so I talked to my family.....they seem like nice people!
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
Lol at birds that walk places.
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.