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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
Sorry that offended you, I really didn’t think you’d get it.
They say love is more important than money. I`d like to see them go and try to pay their bills with a hug.
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.
I had a very confident breakdown today. ...Wasn`t nervous at all. ;)
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.