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My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.
I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.
pudding... thats always a funny word
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
It`s hard to look like a bad-ass when you`re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm