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I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
I just ended a long-term relationship today ... I’m ok though, it wasn’t mine.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.