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I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.