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My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
I wonder what Facebook employees do at work to waste time.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.