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there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
WikiHow suggested 9 Ways to Celebrate Earth Day.... I did all by ?#? SLEEPING?the whole day! How???? I smoked less, used water/power less etc. Wikiwikiwiki!!!!!
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Just read someones status, "Today is the frist day of your life," Thats just stupid, mine was over 45 years ago.. If it was the frist day of your life you wouldn`t be able to read it... Dummy
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."