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Some people are more confused then a chameleon in a packet of Skittles.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC