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The only "B" word you should call a woman is "beautiful"... B!tches love being called beautiful.
I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.