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In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.
Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what Iām talking about.
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
Is a roasted peanut like a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts?
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
I just awesomed all over the place.
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.