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Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
Apparently somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
When you upload photos to Fb, i`d appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends ... It makes stalking them MUCH easier, thank you!
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
Of course you have a right to your own opinion. Just like I have a right to tell you to shove it up your a$$.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
Did we try giving the government a snickers?