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I bet the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial doesn`t ever ride his motorcycle on Martin Luther King Blvd in any town.
Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.