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I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
sex is like a joke, some get it some don`t.....
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
i only drink on days that end with y
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”
Internet Dating......The Odds are good but the Goods are odd
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?