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Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
If there`s one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it`s... "Goonies never say die!"
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
If you`re in WalMart and you`re holding in a fart, just remember, YOU`RE IN WALMART!!
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"