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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
Good Morning: You, my friends are the reason I wake up every morning ? LOL JK, I have to pee.
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.