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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
I miss the life I planned in my head.
Must be my day for Mis-Advertizing --- I just ate a Bowl of Cheerios ----- and they DIDN`T make me Happy!!!! FML!!! :-P
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me ... I live in a city.
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.