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My death bed confession is going to be epic!
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.