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Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
I need a partner in wine.
Why did the mushroom go to the party because he was the fungi
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
My brain has too many tabs open.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.