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I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I`m confused about how many at night?
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.