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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
Got tossed outta Starbucks this morning for asking the really cute redhead behind the counter for a "Quickie". Apparently it`s pronounced "Quiche`" who knew......
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.