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It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
Thought for the day : Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.