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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
Money isn´t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.