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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
A friend doesn`t question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.
Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
A wise man, will often say nothing
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
There are days when everything goes perfectly. . I wonder what those are like?
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.