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Never do I feel as lazy and rude as when someone else in the room is vacuuming.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
What if the lightbulb had never been invented? How would we know when someone has a really good idea?
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.