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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women`s facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren`t looking at her face.