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Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
No I don`t think you`re stupid, I just think you have real bad luck when it comes to thinking
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)