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How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
Why would you live in a place where the air hurts your face?
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.
Ways to Win my Heart: Buy me Beer Bring me Beer Be Beer.