Daily Silly Status

My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?

The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.

I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast

Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.

Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.

To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning

I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."

I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...

I`m tired of things costing money

A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils

The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since `pro` is the opposite of `con` we should call it prosti..... oh wait.

If your day was that bad, why do you assume we want to know about it?

Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing