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Dear Santa, I was framed!
I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100