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Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
A hard thing about business is minding your own
The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home ... right?
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people