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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
Ninja Mode is not a plausible excuse for not being seen at work.
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
To all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
Im convinced that one day we will all live in the future.
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful