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Eventually I will find Bigfoot and he will tell me all he knows about Hide & Seek.
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don`t know where I am.
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors