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Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
On a scale of Doopers, you`re pretty Super.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog