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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
Single, means never having to say you`re sorry.
I`m in no shape to exercise patience!
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty