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I don`t ever know where I`m at till I`m there
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
’Friday’ is my second favourite word starting from the letter `F`. :)
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.