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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means Iām not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.