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Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
A leaf blower, but for people.
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.
Went to Walmart yesterday and bought me a new toilet brush, I think I am gonna go back to using paper, it is much more gentle on the netherlands........