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"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70`s when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M