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Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
Marriage is for quitters
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
My tricks aren`t for kids.
thinking men should come with a carfax....
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
Hey Guys! I havent seen you since last year!(;
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Inspiration: nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing either.
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.