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My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
I was a huge tomboy. Like, I had barbies, but only because my ninja turtles needed bitches.
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
So many idiots, so few nuclear warheads....
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that`s okay with you guys?
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
I`m bored, I think I`ll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.