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Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
wants to rock and roll all night
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.