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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now
There should be a mercy rule for how many pics a girl can upload from her vacation.