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Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could`ve become beer, but didn`t
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I`ll have to turn to Facebook.
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.