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I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.
What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.