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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
hates when I´m singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.