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There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.
I need me a pretty girl with an ugly girl personality
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
i dont like ling distance relationships so i move the fridge to my room
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"