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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
I think once we get past the restraining orders, court dates, and the stalking charges we can really make this relationship work.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys "partying"