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Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. I’m really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.