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When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
and alcohol are now friends.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.