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I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
I`m pretty sure apple kid below needs help..
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
There`s no rehab for stupid! ;P
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.