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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
Don’t believe everything you think.
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"