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I wonder if more children were conceived because of alcohol or more alcohol was consumed because of children.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
It`s all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it`s voodoo dolls and arson reports.
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.