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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
Edward Cullen is extremely pale due to the lack of light in the closet.
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
I’m planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of crap.
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
I was always a believer in evolution....then I spent an hour at Walmart and now I`m not so sure