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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.