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There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.