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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree.
If it was not for electricity, we would all be watching T.V. by candle light.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.