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If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
You don`t look like 200 likes in person
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.