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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
I was feeling down...then all of a sudden I felt myself up. Win, win situation! ;)
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I don`t mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?
Be Poor... Its Cheaper :)