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From this point on, all postings of pictures of waffles will be considered a personal invitation.
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas cost everywhere.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
maturity comes when you stop publishing every detail of your life on social media
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug
If you have time to update your status as "very busy", then you obviously exaggerated.