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I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
Ah Friday my second favorite F Word
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
Hard butter is the devil.
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
I am used but in good condition.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.