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People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I just threw up my weekend.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.