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When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
If the shoe fits, buy it.