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I have an inferiority complex, but it`s not a very good one.
The brain is like the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.