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The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.