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Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....