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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
’Friday’ is my second favourite word starting from the letter `F`. :)
I’m working on my resume. Should I use the term “mad skillz” or would “mad skills” be more formal?
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
I`m not saying I`m out of shape but I just stretched, got winded, and need to lie down
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%
BOOK FACT: If you took every book at Barnes and Noble and laid them end to end you get thrown out by security and banned from returning.