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I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
Didn`t ya`ll know awkward moments existed before? Damn, its like the Yolocaust all over again...
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
I know the voices ain`t really, but man, do they ever come up with some great ideas.
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.