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I wonder what “don’t touch” is in Braille....
They should turn off Netflix at 1:00am for people with jobs and no willpower....bastards
I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.