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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
The dollar store needs to go ahead and open up a few gas stations.
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!