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Wishing you a fabulous 2014 that is full of great achievements and experiences. A meaningful chapter waiting to be written HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.