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Say what you want about Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West. That kid is headed straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
I just passed the local college and saw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college.
Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.