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Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
It`s okay, Web MD. I don`t really know what`s wrong with me either.
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
If there`s one thing I`ve learnt in life it`s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!