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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
If by "help you cook" you mean drink wine in the kitchen while you do the work, then yes, I`d love to help you cook.
So.. who else is sleeping naked tonight?
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
May all of us be as good looking/ beautiful as we look on our FB profile pic..
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.