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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Facebook account for sale, Friends included...
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
12 year olds having sex ? Im sorry when i was 12 i was to afraid to pull my foreskin back incase my d*ck fell out.
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.