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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.