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I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.