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Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
Better late than pregnant.