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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?