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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
am I the only one who would beat the sh!t out of someone for wearing a "forever lazy" to a tailgate?
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.