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Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?