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Aging is inevitable, Maturing is optional.
Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
spank me, its the only way i`ll learn.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven`t worked out all the bugs yet.
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
Use Angie`s List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.